Reflection

In the immortal words of Michael Jackson, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror..." No, not to "make the world a better place," more like, to make me a better person. Nobody likes to be called out, but nobody likes to see people around them unhappy either. I was recently directed to do some self-inspection and, in the process, realized that some parts of my behavior aren't so pretty. The person doing this directing is someone I love and deeply value, so the realization hit hardest when I realized how much this behavior had affected him (in a negative way).

What is it I'm doing? I'm bossy. I'm snappy. I'm impatient. I'm like a pit bull, and I'll dig and gnaw, and snap, and bite, and go for blood if I feel threatened (i.e. if I don't get my way.) (Understand, the person who inspired this reflection didn't use such colorful language, that was added on my part to metaphorically describe the ugliness and unpleasantness that I associate with the behavior I've exhibited, and add some entertaining imagery to this blog post.) I fight with words, and I fight dirty. Sarcasm, Condescension, Selfishness, Analytical Logic, Bullying, Know-It-All-ness. I don't let up from the point of debate until the person with whom I'm arguing has admitted defeat, or submission, or been so completely belittled that he/she gives up the discussion. And even then, I often gloat (inwardly) about how I had so completely trounced them that they had to run away. This is a form of abuse, and I cannot continue to behave this way!

I ask you, is this the behavior of a nice person? Not really. I may consider myself loving, and friendly, and supportive, but if at any moment I could turn on my loved ones, (Like a pit bull! or other mean breed of dog, I guess; I don't want to be prejudiced.) then how can someone feel willing and ready to get close to me?

((Family members have to, they're stuck with me forever. However, I now see how tough it is to get along with me sometimes when I'm in a "mood." When I'm out to hurt your feelings, I'll do it, and then justify it as part of my "argument" or "debate." So many times I've told my mother, "Oh my God! You're just making me so angry right now! You need to just stop now before I EXPLODE!" (and I usually yell the last part.) Is it my mother's fault that I'm reacting so intensely to whatever is happening? No. But by saying this in the heat of a discussion, I'm putting all of the blame and the heat of my anger and frustration on her. This is just mean. Mean. I'm sorry Mom, I really am. I know you read my blogs. ))

But what about friends and love interests? They don't have to stick around. I'm worried that I drive people away with this behavior, but THANK GOD that someone loved me enough to point out my flaw and ask me to consider being more humane. I am definitely shocked by the negative things my reflections have revealed, but I know that this guy's worth the pain of looking in a mirror and seeing ugliness in yourself. I'll definitely be putting forth the effort to be better because he deserves better.